Total Pageviews

Friday, March 23, 2012

A Letter to my Noisy Neighbors.

Dear Neighbor,

My name is Monkkr_M and I live next door to you in a downtown apartment. I have never introduced myself formally, so I apologize for not being a little friendlier when we meet briefly in the hallway or on the elevator.

I just wanted to let you know that ever since I moved in, early March 2008, you are by FAR the loudest neighbor I have ever had. This is in direct comparison with the follow previous tenants:

When I first moved in there was a couple that seemed like the young party people. I was (and still am) more than 5 years older than they were yet we seemed to get along. We’d hang-out here and there, I’d BBQ and we’d drink. I met several other people in the building through them. All of them seemed quite displaced from normal society. Each individual had their own weird quality. From the Ugly as Sin penthouse tenant with a beating heart just under his skin and not his ribcage, who had a girlfriend I can only describe as ‘amazingly bonerific’, to the guy who got drunk and puked in his own hat, to the man who ran naked from a closest at 3am… they were all quite quiet during the normal human being times that there should in fact be silence.

Kate (as I’ll refer to her) was my next door neighbor’s girlfriend. We ended up meeting in the elevator often and as a result became good friends. We had chats ranging from politics to television to general knowledge. It became quite clear to me that she was a lesbian or bi. Now, I could care less about whom people love or like or want to spread mayonnaise on and play bum darts with….but her boyfriend seemed to dislike this particular choice. She indicated to me she had these feelings and of course her boyfriend had no idea…as she had not told him. Now I just told her to do whatever she wanted to do. Not to hide or become someone she’s not because someone else disagrees with your choice. A few days later I was about to inherit the fruits of my advice…

I woke up with a loud “WHAT THE F***!?!?!” screamed through the walls from next door. And for the next 10-15 minutes there was some more screams followed by what seemed like begging…

Apparently ‘the boyfriend’ found Kate naked…in bed…with another woman. Now I was applauding, for doing what she wanted to, yet feeling bad that I ruined a relationship. Now I kid you not when I say this, but this yelling continued on for about another 4 hours. This all started at 3am…so until 7am when I needed to wake-up for work, I had to endure this screaming and yelling from both parties involved.

NOT COOL.

They were always usually pretty quiet… but this took the cake in a whole new audio level. I’m pretty sure half of the building was also woken up by the same shouting match taking place beside me.

I never mentioned to them how upset I was with the entire ear drum shattering yodeling, I just kept my mouth shut. Now not to say I am not a complainer… I’m just too nice. Besides, it seems I had a hand in their downfall anyways.

They moved out a few months later into a condo from what I heard.

And then the next tenants moved in. A cracked out 40 something tattoo artist and his hooker girlfriend. These are facts. I know this because while I have not seen many hookers in my short life span, I do know exactly how they dress. Call it man’s intuition. And she dressed exactly like one. We’re talking leopard print spandex body suit dress with bright pink Barbie doll high heels, smeared red lipstick and barely covering her cleavage red Michael Jackson zipper jacket. I thought she was going to an 80’s party…and at one point I actually did ask her…”Are you going to some 80’s retro party?” Girl: “Nope, I have a date…” Me: “But I thought you moved in here with your boyfriend?” Girl: “Anyone can have a date with me for the right amount of money….honey…” (Inhaling a cigarette and blowing the smoke in the air as she spoke) – Me: “Ahh I see…” Girl: “You interested?” Me: “Yeah I am. I’m interested in getting the fuck out of here….” Girl: “Your loss. Too bad, you have a nice ass…” Me: “What makes you think I would show you my ass?” Girl: “These baby…” Me: “Jesus lady! I just got new glasses; don’t make me go blind….” Girl: “Whatever…” (Slamming her apartment door, thankfully with her behind it).

Weeks later the cops showed up at their apartment. From what I gathered via peering through the peep hole was that she had set off the fire alarm because the boyfriend had kicked her out. After hours of slamming on the door for him to let her in, the fire alarm was her way of escalating the fiasco. After giving the officer a false name, being belligerent, drunk and lying consecutively on every question the cop asked….she was hauled away on several charges.

A week or so after that and the boyfriend’s grief took the better of him which ended up in a wild drug and booze binge. This left him unconscious outside my apartment door. We had become ‘acquaintances’ during her absence and he pounded on my door to be let in calling my name and eventually passed out. I crept out from my hiding place in the bathroom with a blanket over my head hours later to find this man still passed out at my door step. As I opened the door and gingerly stepped over him to exit my apartment I could see he had severed part of his ear and blood was stained on his clothes and hands.

I had spoken to him about a month earlier about doing some tattoo work for me….Which I never did have completed; mostly due to lack of cash. I was to find out months later when the girlfriend returned that this was a good decision on my part as he was HIV positive AND had Hepatitis C. *gasp*

A week or so after that, they too also moved out.

And then you and your lovely wife moved in. Now despite all of the above…all the yelling, screaming, sounds of love-making… you are louder. Now I’m not sure what religion you are, nor does that matter as I respect all forms of religion in one shape or form, but your wailing and singing in another language between 12-1am & 3-4am is not even good enough to fail at American Idol. I’m not sure if I dislike it because it wakes me up every night, or that it’s just terrible, or a little of both.

Also, I know you are foreign, and that’s also still cool with me, however….no language needs to be spoken at a decibel where the glasses in my cupboards start shaking. My cats howl to the moon when your above octave range babbling resonates throughout my apartment. Our walls are concrete… or some other material that is just as hard and dense, yet you seem to pierce through it as if it were Japanese rice paper.

I implore you to seek professional help if the following applies to you:

1. You think you are good at singing.
2. You know you are good at singing.
3. You think others enjoy your singing.
4. You think others think you are good at singing.
5. You think you do not shout or over annunciate your every word.
6. You are not loud whatsoever and anyone who thinks otherwise is a turd.
7. You think you are a human alarm clock for myself or other tenants.
8. You did not steal my Sunday Edmonton Sun paper for the sunshine girl.

I am a patient man, but when your sleep is constantly interrupted by some nonsensical gibberish shouted at a pitch that is commonly only heard by dogs… get bent.

I think you are ignorant to not have the slightest whim that you cannot be heard by anyone else other than those dwelling inside your residence. Take your midnight chanting down a notch and shit-can the above average speaking tone. I’m not sure what language it is, but it must be one that was invented by a deaf person. No language should be screamed at the top of your lungs with each harrowing vowel. If you are not deaf by the end of a paragraph, the recipient of your conversation will be.

Now, in your defense I understand there are certain times of the day when you need to do these things. My suggestion is, get a respirator. Why? For 2 main reasons:

1. I will not kill you for screaming at 2am because the respirator should sufficiently muffle your singing to the point where I cannot hear it.

2. It protects your lungs from dust, germs, and pollutants…e.t.c.

Not only am I willing to compromise with the above, but I’m also looking out for your health like a friendly neighbor should. I am even willing to BUY said respirator for you. Also, I am willing to procure for you some headphones so that if your wife is the cause of the above, that you and I can both enjoy some much needed sleep.


Hoping the above meets with your humble approval,



Sincerely, (yet severely under slept neighbor…)




Monikkr_M

No comments:

Post a Comment