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BOOK IS OUT!

Well if you're an avid reader of this blog, then you will know I have been working on publishing a book for quite some time.

It's finally out!

The title is called "Synthetic Tales of Everyday Life" and it's available pretty much anywhere you can buy books.

It is an ebook, so don't go looking for actually copies you can hold in your hand. The price varies depending on where you buy it, but it's $3.99 at Authorhouse.com

You can view it on your kindle, kobo, mobile phone or computer... so pretty much you can buy it and read it on anything you have.

The website is almost ready to launch and I'm hoping it's done by the end of the year. I just have to pay out my final invoice and tidy up a few things. :)

Meanwhile, the webstore is still open if you want to purchase some swag....possibly as a Christmas present for a loved one??? :)

Thanks y'all!

If you do end up buying a copy, please feel free to e-mail me or BBM me and tell me what you think!

_M_M…

The very first day I was angry

Many of you are probably wondering why I am a little abrasive at times; well I’m here to tell you the story of when I first got angry.
I don’t remember much of the story because I was a little too young, but I think I was somewhere around 3-4 years old.
My mother and father recently split so while my mom was at work I had to go to day care. Being that I was an old brother I went with my newly born brother. He was a baby at the time so I couldn’t really play with him, and there were a few other kids there to play with but they were just slobbering jerks.
I remember getting a toy plane as a present from someone. And I don’t know about you, but most kids when they are young remember their first toy. They literally bring it everywhere with them. Much was the case with this plane.
I’m not sure what kind of plane it was but it was metal. Maybe a spitfire or some WWII type propeller driven machine. I loved that toy. It had some weight to it, and it was well made.
At some point the other children …

The Bear absolutely sucks!

Yes, I’m talking about 100.3 the BEAR, in Edmonton... you suck. A lot.
Now, let me explain.
First of all, I used to love the Bear... I was a Bear fanatic... I was “the Bear”. Now it seems like they are slipping into the ass crack off society by playing up every single meme there is to offer to get ratings. But it’s failing.
The Paul Brown show is not a show at all. There is some chatter and then there is some music. The music is FUCKING GARBAGE!
Seriously... I listen to the bear all day because a fellow in my office likes it. He’s here more than I am so it’s only fair; however, as I am listening to it on a regular basis I have concluded the following:

You only have a minimal musical selection because you play nothing but Nirvana, Metallica, Offspring, Linkin Park, Filter, Nickleback, System of a Down and then fill the rest of the looping rotation with 5-10 of the most popular “rock” songs. You are a rock station are you not? So when was the last time that Nirvana was still fucking popular …

Speling mistaks

So there’s one thing I’m pretty sure I have mentioned in my short blogging career that I just cannot stand; people who spell incorrectly.
Now I know that you might be from another country and maybe just don’t know, but you can pretty much tell those people apart from everyone else and let it slide. But I’m talking about the people that just don’t give a shit. I'm talking to the people that blatantly screw up words and don’t even make an attempt at correcting them.
Just at least TRY to sound like you’re not a retarded 4 year old. PLEASE! Like I get texts from people such as “LOL giv me a brek. Thats stpd.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Are we moving into a world where you have to buy a fucking vowel just to have a conversation with someone?
I don’t want you to abbreviate an entire conversation just because you’re lazy, stupid or are texting too many people at once and don’t have the time to add another letter. Seriously one letter? It’s really not saving all that much time and it’s o…

A letter to the guy who gave me the finger in traffic yesterday.

Dear Jerk off,
I just thought I’d write a quick little note to you expressing my anger at your childish display of ignorance.
Not only was this incident your fault, but you politely decided to give me the finger. Why? Was that your way of saying “Hey, I know it was my fault that I cut you off because I was too impatient, but screw you anyway!” If so, then I congratulate you on being a complete anus.
Your speeding away at a high rate also did less to convince me of your competent driving ability. You also ran a red light and blew through 2 cross-walks which had people crossing. But no, you wouldn’t have noticed that because you were driving way too fast.
You also caused a near fatal collision with the white pick-up in front of you which was also too impatient and swerved into the same lane you were trying to get in to. They also honked. So whether or not the finger was for the driver of that other vehicle, myself or you had an involuntary bout of Tourette’s syndrome; that’s still no excuse…

My “first” vacation.

So I finally decided to take some time off work. I didn’t really have anywhere in particular to go, but I never EVER take time off work. So I thought maybe 3 days post a long weekend would be perfect.
I had the 3 days off prior, came in on Tuesday for work to finish up a few things and to make sure stuff was settled so I didn’t get a mass amount of calls on my work cell. Yes I left the fucker on because I care ok? Besides, I’d rather fix an issue with a quick call to my cell rather than it be fucked up for when I come back, which I then have to fix. It makes sense.
The day turns out to be pretty busy and there was a lot more I could have done but I decided to just relax and leave it for my return to work the following week.
5:00pm – I race hurriedly to the time clock and punch out. I jump in my vehicle and off I go. First actual time off – booked – from work....for the better part of a decade. Yes, 10 years since I have actually booked time off of work.
5:30pm – Text from my friend tells…

I swear WAY too fucking much.

Honestly, I don’t know where the fuck to even begin. I guess I fuckin should stop, but sometimes it’s the funniest fucking thing I know. Shit, like I even stare into space, spinning the fuck around in my chair just thinking to myself “What in the fuck am I doing with my fucking life?”. Then I get sick and puke my fucking brains out. But why stop the fuck there right? Maybe I should just fuck off and leave everyone to their ill gotten gains, but I’m not that fucking nice. Fuck that.
Sometimes people get in my face, and try to be some kind of fucking hero, but I just snap and bust a punk motherfucker in his brain and they usually back the fuck down real quick. The fuck I look like? Some kind of fuck head? Think again shit fuck. I fuckin walk up and down in ya ass befo I plug some caps off into yo fukkin dik! Sukka!
Wow, sorry. I almost flipped the fuck out at an imaginary fucking scenario. Fuck my life. What’s that? I need an outlet for my mother-fucking anger? How about I beat yo mama? …

Farts...

I’ll just come right out and say it... I fart. A LOT! Not all the time mind you, but if I have some spicy chicken Chinese food or chili cheese fries from Taco Bell it’s probably not a good idea to stand behind me at a checkout.
I have only once had follow through and I think that’s all it really takes to notify you of the impending doom so that you never have the problem again. I also stay away from certain foods that give me that bloated gunt cramp that makes you force out a gooey treat. Now I have no issue, other than the raunchy air bombs I currently deliver.
I guess it all started when I was a baby. Eating Gerber teething cookies and more than likely swallowing copious amounts of air while stuck to the teat didn’t help either. Moving forward in life I probably went through the stage that many teenagers go through; the dreaded “smell your own farts” phase and the “guess what I ate” stage. I’m pretty sure there was a time when I ate foods specifically to gross people out via my gaseou…

Bums

No, I meant BUMS... not the physical part of the body... the stereo-typical homeless person.
Now I’m sure there is probably a better way to explain it than just the following sentence but I digress....
I HATE BUMS!
Let me explain:
The other day after dropping my lovely and devoted girlfriend off at work I went to go and get a coffee... (It might be prudent to add in the fact here that I borrowed the 2$ required for said coffee)
I stopped at the Tim Horton’s near her place of work and being as it’s not a drive through location I had to go in. Now usually at this time of the day, 7am to be precise there are usually the typical low-life drifters, early morning students and work folk. I am neither of those, and almost never drink coffee...but every now and then I enjoy a good cuppa’ brew.
So I’m standing in line and some lady approaches some gentlemen in front of me asking for money to buy a coffee. I didn’t realize it until afterwards...but she was homeless. Now, I’m not an idiot and I know it…

Monikkr_M Apparel is open for business!

Well folks, here is the new unveiling of my new shop. It's just beginning so please be patient while I continue to update it with new and interesting swag and designs.

Where can you get all this cool stuff? Well here!

Http://Monikkr_M.Wordans.ca

If you have any requests or would like to see some other designs, I will consider making them.

Just e-mail me at: Monikkr_M@shaw.ca and I'll work something out. :)

Spread the word!

P.S. Brand new website will be open soon as well! Stay tuned for more exciting stuff! :)

_M_M_

__M_Others___

M_Others_
In stream we can all desire that long lasting impression

Because that’s the woven way
Mothers always say and give everything they can, we never pay
So I say from this day we can pray and sing and dance and play
To shelter each heart, to soften each breath with a wild embrace
Because that’s running away
Pound for pound we weight it all, all the way
Lovers and levelers all around and entranced
Sighing lightly
Because that’s the woven way
That laughter and that hat she once wore
Bored into dreams and sea’s that we all adore
Mothers always do for others what others never dare
Simply gave everything sighing slightly
No pressure and no even pace, no unwashed faces
No disgrace
To shelter each heart, to soften each breath with a wild embrace
Mothers always do for others
Sighing lightly…

My Neighbor smokes too much!

My Neighbor smokes too much!

So my next door neighbor smokes too much. I can always tell when he’s going for a smoke because he has to open the patio door, which conveniently resides right next to my bedroom window.
So every night, while I’m attempting to drift off to lullaby land, the sliding door opens and of course it’s somewhat loud. It’s the normal sound, but it’s at a volume that is quite annoying...especially when it occurs 16-20 times a night.
He needs like 20 smokes a night – multiply that by 4 because he needs to open and then close the door to get out, then open and close it again to get back inside. So we’re talking about 80 times a night that I hear the sliding patio door opening and then closing.
Now that in itself is pretty annoying, but add in the fact that when it’s warm out I open my bedroom window. So basically the smoke floats from his patio into my bedroom. That’s gross. I recently quit smoking completely, so this doesn’t want to make me smoke again; I’ve long since …

I hope you die.

Yes, that's right....I said it. I hope you die, or that you kill someone close to you.

Why? Because you drive too fast. What's that? You need to get somewhere and you're late? Well guess what sissy, so is everyone else.

We all have places to go, things to do, have to get to work on time, pick-up the kids, pay bills, get groceries...e.t.c. But why are we risking out lives for the most mundane things?

Fort McMurray has a 2 lane highway, and millions of cars travel that road every year...which causes bad traffic. Yet people still drive like idiots. Proof? 60+ collisions in 24 hours. Why? The road conditions are shitty yet you still drive like it's not, but then why did you crash? Do you have enough experience driving in slippery white-out winter conditions? I guarantee not. So why risk your life or the life of someone else's because of your stupidity? You drive too fast and too carelessly for the road conditions. You aren't capable of operating a motor vehicle so…

How to act awkward during social situations.

Here is a brief list of things that you can do to make any social gathering a completely awkward one.

I've often wondered if there are people out there who do similar things on purpose just to see what kind of reaction they can get from people. Most of the time these situations are basic and nothing out of the ordinary should happen, yet there is always that one person that seems to over-step the boundaries of common sense and thus hilarity ensues.

Now I'm going to forgo the less attractive burping and/or farting in public...because, let's face it... we need something a little more intellectual...just a little something to throw the others off balance.

You want to be remembered as the guy/girl who talks too closely, or the person who uses the back of your head as a sneeze guard.

Step #1

Shake hands with the opposite hand.

Most people will shake hands with their right hand, mainly because there is a larger population of 'righties' therefore it's more common in s…